Sunday, February 24, 2008
Depression: Talking to Myself
It looks like I am the only one reading my blog at this time. Not such a bad thing. It allows me to expresss myself, organize my thoughts, and keep a journal of sorts. Of course, it can be viewed as pathetic that I may be the only one that is reading it, but I believe I am pathetic to begin with, so there is not much to lose. It is hard to understand myself and my thought process. I guess paying a so-called licensed therapist/psych counselor may be beneficial, but I have done that in the past. I know what the overall goal is without fattening their wallets, so I will spare their time and mine, although I am sure their time is more valuable. Getting back to what I was saying. I do not understand my thought process. Some days, or some hours I am happy, social, enjoy conversing with people, listening to music, and enjoy my surroundings. Other times, which is more often than not, I am miserable at where I have gotten myself. I am not a genius, but I have enough intelligence to accomplish anything, which is the worst part. I had so much potential in life. I had a blank slate and all the oportunities at one point, but I threw them all the way with my depressive/manic impulses. I have had too many times in my life where I lived that day as if it were my last, and they added up and cost me dearly. They have brought me down a hole which seems to be growing deeper while I try to dig myself out. The only reason I have stayed around til now is because of my recent goals of finishing my life story, even though I have not gotten back to it in awhile. I decided to start this blog/journal instead. If I keep writing to myself I will probably just get back to finishing the story, which may be a good or bad thing.
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4 comments:
You are in no way talking to yourself, there are those of us out there feeling and understanding every word you put down. Suicidal Tendencies. Those 2 words send chills up the spines of those who have no idea what people like me, and you feel on a daily basis. I know and understand what your words mean, there is more to what you are saying than the surface of what your words mean. The feeling of shouting every word in your head to a mass of nothingness, people who are ignorant to the feelings of those who choose to feel life from the underside of what most consider "normal". There is no normal. Those who consider themselves normal are only following what others have laid before them. I feel Depression opens a mind, body and soul, to what most fear to feel. Everyone finds thier own wat through life, it just so happens i am comfortable with depression. its how i function, i dont want to be "Normal". it scares me. I am the kid in the corner everyone mumbles about, and they wonder why i never smile. I snever smile cause of people like that. They judge without knowing, and think they know enough to judge. Judgement is left in my mind for those who judge. Depression lessen the ability to judge, unless you judge us first. I feel we as a depressed person, feel more, and know more than most in thier happy little exsistence will ever know. Cut your wrist, and bleed till the point you can no longer keep your eyes open, and tell me then what you think human exsistence is. It opens your eyes, and you see things in a light you will never see from the happy medium most blindly look upon us from.
Cody, I know what you are saying about feeling comfortable with depression. Years ago when it first started hitting me, it was strange and scary. I thought I could snap out of it and feel better. Some days I felt as if a mask was being pulled over my face forcing my lips to frown and my brow to furrow. Having a conversation with anyone was like carrying a ton of lead. There were periods where I snapped out of it, but than I would fall right back in. After years of this feeling coming and going, I became accustomed to it and not as scared. I am not happy, I am miserable, but I am comfortable with that now. I have been on auto pilot for most of the past 16 years. You know, going thru the basic motions in life, because deep inside of me, something is making me hang on to a thread of existence, which is growing weaker everyday. I am not scared about suicide. I am not sure when I will do it. I am sort of clearing a path for it if one can say that. Making sure there is no shrapnel, sort of. Trying to make it less painful for others, if I can do that. I am not naive, I know it will hurt some people, but in the long run, I am clearing a path that will make it easier on them. It is like I am treading water with some floating debris nearby to give me some rest from time to time, but at the same time I am growing tired of treading water or hanging on debris from time to time. There may come a time soon where I decide just to let go and let the water take me under.
nStan ... are you still around?
This blog is old but it has touched peoples lives.
I am wondering how you are?
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