Suicide: Living It Up

Living every day as if it were your last is very destructive. I have done it for real two times in my life, and it has pushed me into a deep hole I am still trying to climb out of. After years of battling manic depression, I finally became self aware of the condition and sought professional psychiatric help. I was started on anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, which turned my ups and downs into one steady flow of boredom with no emotion. I stopped the mood stabilizer because I was a zombie on it. Unfortunately, I went into a manic episode on an antidepressant without anything to counteract my mania. I took a cash advance on all of my credit cards. I planned on a trip to Australia where I would die in the desert after spending time in Sydney and Melbourne. Before I went to Australia, I planned three days of vacation in Reno, NV. I learned how to ski, but also blew all of my money on blackjack. Over a three day period I blew over 15000 on blackjack. I had no money left and was desperate. I called my family and my best friend. My best friend bailed me out by taking on the debt. I paid him off completely after two years by taking all my retirement money out in one lump sum with a huge tax penalty. You thought I would have learned. After a few years, I went on another spree while doing a job contract in Washington State for a few months. The Seattle Metropolitan area has plenty of casinos. I blew more than 30000 grand in cash advances on gambling, hookers, and expensive restaurants. I was down to nothing. I transferred my debt to a debt consolidation program. After two years on it, I hardly put a dent in my debt. I can't speak for everybody, but when one is living everyday as if it where their last, it is careless, and reckless, but not all out chaos. I wanted to enjoy myself, not kill anybody or commit a major crime. I never had any real plans of suicide until the last year. Even as I get down to my last days, I am not reckless. I do not want to leave a huge scar for the people who know me. My life is miserable; I do not want to inflict harm on anyone else. Maybe I lived more in my 34 years than most people, which is good to some degree, but horrendous on most accounts. At this time, I wiped out any future plans of retirement or a family. I can't speak for anyone else but myself. I would want a family if I were stable. I know in my heart I would never harm anyone, and would be very loving, but I would be too unstable, and self-destruct. Then again, if I had a family it might deter me from self-destructive behavior that would harm both my family and me, but I think it is too late for me. I am growing tired of my self-destructive bullshit, and I am waiting for an opportune time to end my existence as a living being. I know I will reside in peoples’ memory, but I want to end my internal suffering, and probably end theirs as well, when referring to me.