Thursday, February 28, 2008
Suicidal: Can You Really Tell
Maybe there are people who give you clear signs of when they are about to commit suicide, but then again, those people are probably looking for attention more than anything. Those people are using suicide attempts for attention as a poor substitute for coping with stress. My stress is not about attention, it is about my cycles of manic depression that seemed to have erased all hopes for some type of success in life. You probably would never be able to tell I'm on the verge of ending it. On the outside, I seem functional and amicable. I probably even seem humorous, somewhat intelligent, and social most of the time. My humor is still apparent after all these years. I have a dry sense of humor. Not your typical sitcom bullshit. I like Adult Swim Cartoons, Reno 911, Happiness (The Movie), Family Guy, kind of humor. Some of it is not that dry, but most if it is. Regardless, my main point is, is that there is no apparent sign I am suicidal. One would think everything is just fine, as in my main title to all this. I am suicidal; everything is just fine. Why would I want anyone to intervene and continue my inevitable misery? I am just fine.
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5 comments:
You are not the only one reading your blogs... I swear it is like you are in my head. My dr asks me every week "do I have to worry about you" and I meekly say not I'm good... haha so not true. Anyway just wanted to encourage you that it helps to know You are not alone.
Thanks Lynne. Appreciate the feedback. Just hoping someone might learn from my past mistakes and thought prccesses, and keep themselves from falling into a hole like a did. Keep in touch once in awhile. I am still hanging around for a little while, but time shall see.
I'm already in the whole, it's like from them movie 'Silence of the Lambs' where he drops the girl in the whole in the ground and she tears up her hands and fingernails trying to get out. My knuckles are bloodied from trying to hold on. I'm also a self-injurer so I have many old and new scars and wounds that I bear for others to see my insanity. I'm on tons of meds, sometimes I play doctor and increase and decrease based on what I feel. Probably not the best way to do things, but whatever. Maybe if I have an obligation to hold on, a reason other than the obvious, maybe it will help. Thanks for putting yourself out there, it does help to know I'm not alone.
I know what you are saying about adjusting meds based on what you feel. Years ago I was placed on an anti-depressant and a mood stabilizer. The mood stabilizer made me feel like a zombie, and stupidly I stopped taking it and had an unopposed antidepressant with a manic depressive disorder that sent me into an ever increasing manic episode. After some major manic destruction I switched to another anti-depressant that worked better without the extreme mania. Two years later, I cut out all meds whatsoever and chose Alcohol as a poor substitute. The alcohol got me into trouble as well. Now I try to be self-aware of my internal mood swings. I usually stay on auto-pilot for a few months of basic functioning, and then once or twice a year I hit rock bottom and try to climb out of a depressive cycle. I usually just tell people I am sick at the time as a response to my lack of social interaction with people. Even when I am not in a deep depressive cycle, I am still depressed. I still think of suicide whether I am in or out of my depressive cycles on a daily basis. The thread I am hanging on to is going weaker all the time, but it still holds. It might break sooner or later.
just found this blog...are you both ok...i think i am bi polar and have been since i was a teenager its getting worse....agressive talkative..please help
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