Monday, February 25, 2008
Suicide: The Irony and Sadness Of It All
My poor decisions in life are no one else's fault but my own. I grew up in a warm and loving home in a great family. There was nothing traumatic in my background which would lead me down the road I have taken. I think about suicide a lot. I do not want to go into specifics about suicidal acts or anything right now. There are some ironies in my life, one being my teeth. I guess it can be comical and sad at the same time. My mother went out of her way to get me braces when I was twelve. She got my teeth straight and white. I still take very good care of my teeth to this day, and when I think about suicide, I think of the kindness and generosity my mother invested in me 22 years ago when she straightened my teeth out. I know it may seem trivial, but when I see my teeth everyday, I think of my mom, and it saddens me to think my mom's kindness will be thrown away. I guess all of my parents' kindness and generosity will be thrown away. I know they invested so much in me in the past, and I ended up being a bipolar loser. My parents have great friends and my sisters are real close with them. They have a great support system. They will do fine, I hope.
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4 comments:
I know a couple of girl, friends if fact, who's parents both killed themselves - one 18 months after another. What could be worse than knowing your own parents don't care about you enough to carry on? Esp. the second parent, the girl were already grieving and still minors. Is a mother love not enough? These events lead one on a long drunken road and the other depressed for years. 10 years on they are both happy, stable and successful........ donno why I told you that, the darkest hour is just before dawn and all?????
I see what you are saying. I have searched and searched for a reason I have fealt this way for a good part of the last 16 years, but I can't find it. Even if there was some hidden abuse a long time ago as a child, I can't recall, and even if I did, I am an adult and I am responsible for my own actions. I wish I could put my finger on a trigger point of what caused me to head down this road, but I can't find it. I know some people will say just to quit bitching and moaning and move on; I wish it were that simple.
Stan,
Thank you for the message you left on my blog. It leaves me heart broken to hear your words and it is even more painful because I understand your moments. I have found my blog allows me to talk to myself and it helps. Right now I am well, and it says a lot when people suffering from depression and bi-polar disorders can recognize when they are sick or well.
Talk with you family, they need to know how you feel.
Oh, and what you say about not having a reason to suffer from depression. Stan, I don't have one either. I had the best childhood anyone could ask for, my family is amazing, I have a job, a house, money in the bank. Sometimes there is no answer outside of us...it is inside. I am still trying to find mine. I think a lot of mine has been trying to please others and not caring for myself. I am finally finding the real me, with NO APOLOGIES. Oh, and the meds help too.
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